The resume, of course, is your chance to sell yourself, and you spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to present yourself as a smart, polished professional. You toil and sweat over each sentence as you try to re-frame that job you had swamping out bathroom stalls as a position as a "Facilities Maintenance Professional", and you load your "Skills" section with so many keywords that even you are no longer sure what you actually know how to do.
But consider the radical idea that an employer might actually be interested in you, the actual person. You know, the one sitting there in their boxer shorts reading this. Yeah, you. By the way, you just dripped salsa on the front of your t-shirt. Very professional.
So, what would you put on your real resume?
Let's experiment, shall we? Of course, being the altruistic soul that I am, I'll volunteer to be the first victi...er...subject.
Matthew DeBlass
velochelonian@gmail.com
New Jersey, United States
Earth
velochelonian@gmail.com
New Jersey, United States
Earth
Objective:
To obtain a job that pays my bills and is either fun or not too demanding. To actually have something to look forward to when I get up in the morning. Also, I wouldn't mind meeting a nice woman who is willing to put up with how weird I am. If you could help with that too, that would be great.
Job History:
Do you really care? I mean, I've got this stupid string of pointless retail jobs which all went nowhere, who cares. I've learned to put up with a lot of crap from people and keep smiling, if that's what you want to know.
Actually, I had one job, years ago I really liked. I worked for a children's theater company. But it didn't pay well enough so I had to quit. Now I'm all depressed and nostalgic, thanks for asking painful questions. If you want a reverse chronological listing, it'd look like this:
Job that cut my hours so I'm talking to you - Present
Job I hated - Last year
Job I hated but didn't even pay as well as the job after that - Three Years Ago
Dead-end job that I left for something that initially seemed more promising - Four Years Ago
Job I really liked but couldn't live on the salary - Five Years Ago
Pizza Delivery
Education:
I'm on the twelve-year plan! I go to community college. I'm poor. I mean, really, if I weren't desperate for cash, would I be applying for this job anyway? Once I finally work my way through that degree, I'm leaving your company anyway. Oh, I get good grades because I'm thirty something and don't go out drinking every night.
Skills:
I generally get along with people. I can cook a little. I know four verses to "Auld Lang Syne" and can sing them in an authentic-sounding Scottish accent. I can juggle, but not that well. I can play the drum part to "Wipe Out" on any remotely flat surface, even if it wasn't actually intended to be a percussion instrument. I've been told that I'm pretty good in bed too, so if that will help me during the interview process, please, let me know.
Keywords:
Awesome, Totally Awesome, Hire Me, Desperate, Rock Star, Will Work For Food, Please Give Me A Job, Team Leader
Sun Sign:
Scorpio: The eighth sign of the zodiac is intense, passionate and loyal to the death. Scorpios thrive on challenges and creativity, but can fall victim to jealousy and self-indulgence. Compatible signs are Cancer, Pisces, Virgo and Capricorn.
So, that's the Matt DeBlass resume. The challenge, if you're bored or need yet another excuse to procrastinate, is to post your own version in the "comments" section. Tell us who you really are.
To obtain a job that pays my bills and is either fun or not too demanding. To actually have something to look forward to when I get up in the morning. Also, I wouldn't mind meeting a nice woman who is willing to put up with how weird I am. If you could help with that too, that would be great.
Job History:
Do you really care? I mean, I've got this stupid string of pointless retail jobs which all went nowhere, who cares. I've learned to put up with a lot of crap from people and keep smiling, if that's what you want to know.
Actually, I had one job, years ago I really liked. I worked for a children's theater company. But it didn't pay well enough so I had to quit. Now I'm all depressed and nostalgic, thanks for asking painful questions. If you want a reverse chronological listing, it'd look like this:
Job that cut my hours so I'm talking to you - Present
Job I hated - Last year
Job I hated but didn't even pay as well as the job after that - Three Years Ago
Dead-end job that I left for something that initially seemed more promising - Four Years Ago
Job I really liked but couldn't live on the salary - Five Years Ago
Pizza Delivery
Education:
I'm on the twelve-year plan! I go to community college. I'm poor. I mean, really, if I weren't desperate for cash, would I be applying for this job anyway? Once I finally work my way through that degree, I'm leaving your company anyway. Oh, I get good grades because I'm thirty something and don't go out drinking every night.
Skills:
I generally get along with people. I can cook a little. I know four verses to "Auld Lang Syne" and can sing them in an authentic-sounding Scottish accent. I can juggle, but not that well. I can play the drum part to "Wipe Out" on any remotely flat surface, even if it wasn't actually intended to be a percussion instrument. I've been told that I'm pretty good in bed too, so if that will help me during the interview process, please, let me know.
Keywords:
Awesome, Totally Awesome, Hire Me, Desperate, Rock Star, Will Work For Food, Please Give Me A Job, Team Leader
Sun Sign:
Scorpio: The eighth sign of the zodiac is intense, passionate and loyal to the death. Scorpios thrive on challenges and creativity, but can fall victim to jealousy and self-indulgence. Compatible signs are Cancer, Pisces, Virgo and Capricorn.
So, that's the Matt DeBlass resume. The challenge, if you're bored or need yet another excuse to procrastinate, is to post your own version in the "comments" section. Tell us who you really are.
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