Your REAL Resume

Job hunting, it's been said, is the worst job out there. I've come to see the truth of this firsthand in the last couple of months as I've been shipping out a small forest of resumes and wading through a mountain of applications.

The resume, of course, is your chance to sell yourself, and you spend a ridiculous amount of time trying to present yourself as a smart, polished professional. You toil and sweat over each sentence as you try to re-frame that job you had swamping out bathroom stalls as a position as a "Facilities Maintenance Professional", and you load your "Skills" section with so many keywords that even you are no longer sure what you actually know how to do.

But consider the radical idea that an employer might actually be interested in you, the actual person. You know, the one sitting there in their boxer shorts reading this. Yeah, you. By the way, you just dripped salsa on the front of your t-shirt. Very professional.

So, what would you put on your real resume?

Let's experiment, shall we? Of course, being the altruistic soul that I am, I'll volunteer to be the first victi...er...subject.

Matthew DeBlass
velochelonian@gmail.com
New Jersey, United States
Earth

Objective:
To obtain a job that pays my bills and is either fun or not too demanding. To actually have something to look forward to when I get up in the morning. Also, I wouldn't mind meeting a nice woman who is willing to put up with how weird I am. If you could help with that too, that would be great.

Job History:
Do you really care? I mean, I've got this stupid string of pointless retail jobs which all went nowhere, who cares. I've learned to put up with a lot of crap from people and keep smiling, if that's what you want to know.
Actually, I had one job, years ago I really liked. I worked for a children's theater company. But it didn't pay well enough so I had to quit. Now I'm all depressed and nostalgic, thanks for asking painful questions. If you want a reverse chronological listing, it'd look like this:

Job that cut my hours so I'm talking to you - Present

Job I hated - Last year

Job I hated but didn't even pay as well as the job after that - Three Years Ago

Dead-end job that I left for something that initially seemed more promising - Four Years Ago

Job I really liked but couldn't live on the salary - Five Years Ago

Pizza Delivery


Education:
I'm on the twelve-year plan! I go to community college. I'm poor. I mean, really, if I weren't desperate for cash, would I be applying for this job anyway? Once I finally work my way through that degree, I'm leaving your company anyway. Oh, I get good grades because I'm thirty something and don't go out drinking every night.

Skills:
I generally get along with people. I can cook a little. I know four verses to "Auld Lang Syne" and can sing them in an authentic-sounding Scottish accent. I can juggle, but not that well. I can play the drum part to "Wipe Out" on any remotely flat surface, even if it wasn't actually intended to be a percussion instrument. I've been told that I'm pretty good in bed too, so if that will help me during the interview process, please, let me know.

Keywords:
Awesome, Totally Awesome, Hire Me, Desperate, Rock Star, Will Work For Food, Please Give Me A Job, Team Leader

Sun Sign:
Scorpio: The eighth sign of the zodiac is intense, passionate and loyal to the death. Scorpios thrive on challenges and creativity, but can fall victim to jealousy and self-indulgence. Compatible signs are Cancer, Pisces, Virgo and Capricorn.



So, that's the Matt DeBlass resume. The challenge, if you're bored or need yet another excuse to procrastinate, is to post your own version in the "comments" section. Tell us who you really are.

Loreena McKennitt's "An Ancient Muse"

An Ancient Muse, gives fans of Loreena McKennitt's "eclectic Celtic" music exactly what they expect, nothing more, but certainly nothing less. McKennitt picks up right where she left off with 1997's The Book of Secrets, this time with her songs inspired by the Silk Road, English poetry and classical mythology.

The sound of An Ancient Muse continues down the path McKennitt started on with 1994's The Mask and The Mirror. While she hasn't completely abandoned her roots in Celtic Folk, the songs are heavily influenced by Mediterranean and Arabic traditions, and feature instruments that many American and Western European listeners would be hard pressed to pronounce, let alone identify.

The worst that can be said about this album is that it doesn't give us any surprises. The songs, for the most part, follow the formula that McKennitt established on her previous two studio albums. Like previous albums, there is an opening piece featuring almost arrhythmic instrumentation and wordless vocalizations by McKennitt. There is the mandatory setting of a classic poem featuring ill-fated lovers that end up dead in the end. There are a couple of lively instrumentals, and the album ends with a meditative ballad. McKennitt's harp is regrettably scarce.

Of course, one of the best things to be said about the album is that it is very much familiar ground. Fans who waited nearly a decade for new material are getting exactly what they've been waiting for. McKennitt has created a genre of music all her own, with elements of folk, classical, world music and pop rolled together and backed by some phenomenal instrumentalists, such as Hugh Marsh and Nigel Eaton on fiddle and hurdy-gurdy respectively.

One of the few, and most interesting changes from past albums is a greater use of the western-style drum kit. The drums add a certain degree of punch to songs like "The Gates of Istanbul" and "Caravanserai".

The tracks


Incantation-An airy, shapeless instrumental that sets the mood and beckons us into McKennitt's world

The Gates of Istanbull-An upbeat and rolling piece, the drum kit gives it an almost reggae-like beat that you can tap your foot to

Caravanserai-Possibly the strongest track on the album, after the typical long intro, it breaks into a powerful, rolling gait, pulling us along on the back of a camel towards the titular caravanserai

The English Ladye and The Knight-A setting of a poem by Sir Walter Scott about, what else, ill-fated lovers. Very pretty, but it drags somewhat compared to the songs before and after it.

Kecharitomene-Another brilliant instrumental that builds slowly and solidly until Marsh's pyrotechnic fiddling puts the last minute into overdrive

Penelope's Song-A piano driven track that takes the perspective of Odysseus's wife, who waited for him at home all those years.

Sacred Shabbat-Yet another quality instrumental, this time with it's roots in the traditions of Jewish music

Beneath a Phrygian Sky-The longest track on the album. A haunting call to arms for the forces of love and unity.

Never-Ending Road (Amhran Duit)-McKennitt sends us on our way with this gentle benediction. About the never ending journey that is life. "Here is my heart, I give it to you/ take me with you across this land"


For more information go to Loreena McKennitt's Quinlan Road site