Jobs I Should Have: Professional Bicycle Racer

Somebody should sponsor me to be a professional bicycle racer. Seriously.
And no, it's not because I'm exceptionally fast on a bike, quite the opposite.

See, bicycle racers don't get paid by the hour, so riding faster isn't getting a better value. Bicycle racers get paid to promote products, that's why they have those names all over their Jerseys and stickers on their bikes. It's like NASCAR, but quieter and sweatier.

But the thing is, if you've ever been roadside at a bicycle race, you'll know, the really good riders go whizzing by so fast you can't read a darn thing on their jerseys. It's a waste of sponsor dollars. On the other hand, if they hired a guy like me to ride for them, I'd go grinding by so slowly the fans could read every single logo on my jersey, on my bike, and probably even see what brand tires I have.

Also, a typical pro cyclist's rib cage is usually slightly smaller than that of a Thanksgiving turkey. Maybe having a lighter upper body makes them more aerodynamic and gives them less to haul uphill in the Pyrenees, but there's not a lot of ad space, right?

My shoulders, on the other hand, would fit a billboard in comparison. A lot more bang for your buck is what I'm saying.

So if anyone out there is looking for a great deal in a sponsored rider, you know where to find me.